


The One With the Potatoes

by irlmagicalgirl, Nightingale_Rising



Series: So No One Told You [2]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Funny, Gen, Other, Potatoes, Reasons Lily Turns James Down, Shenanigans, Two Marauders Get In a Fight, silliness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-29
Updated: 2016-02-29
Packaged: 2018-05-24 01:11:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,314
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6136258
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/irlmagicalgirl/pseuds/irlmagicalgirl, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nightingale_Rising/pseuds/Nightingale_Rising
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Or the one in which one Marauder stops talking to another, Lily rejects James for the most ludicrous reason yet, and Remus reveals his god.</p><p> </p><p>Part of a series of drabbles, ficlets, and vignettes about the Marauders and their various shenanigans. Can be read as a stand-alone piece.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The One With the Potatoes

**Author's Note:**

> Potatoes are no laughing matter.

 

            " _Merlin,_ yes," Remus practically moaned, sitting down to lunch.

            "Damn, Moony, what's your wand all knotted up over?" James asked. "I don't think I've ever heard you make that noise before."

            "Yeah, that kind of noise is reserved for the bedroom only," Sirius said.

            "Oh, and you'd know all about the noises Moony makes in the bedroom, wouldn't you, Pads?" Peter teased. He and James quirked their eyebrows up at him, and while he couldn't reach James across the table, he gave Peter a smack on the back of the head with the hand that held his baguette. He promptly discarded the bread once he realized his mistake as Peter brushed crumbs from his hair.

            "You all would, you tossers, we all share a bedroom," Sirius sneered at them, before realizing that they were fully aware of that and being more defensive would only work against him.

            "I _believe_ Moony was going to tell us something about his sudden excitement," James said, though Sirius knew the subject had not been dropped, and only temporarily placed aside. Remus had been more focused on his plate of food than their nonsense for once. He hadn't even flinched at the bedroom comment.

            "Potatoes," he replied, as if the single word explained everything.

            "Elaborate, Moony, dear," James said. They raised their eyebrows at him. James was generally very careful about using the D-word.

            "It's potato season," Peter explained, understanding. Next to Remus, he was probably the next most excited about potatoes, but that was only because he was excited about all food. "It's an Irish thing."

            "I forget Moony's Irish until it comes to food," Sirius said.

            "Yeah, mate, you can't just pick and choose when to be Irish. Eating a potato doesn't make you Irish."

            Remus slammed his fork down just before he was preparing to spear some russets. "I am Irish _all_ the time. This is just my favorite part of being Irish. Besides, that's racist to assume that the only time I'm acting Irish is when I eat a bloody potato."

            " _Language_ , Moony," James insisted, as though he didn't turn into a sailor at the simple break of a quill. "Besides, you can't be racist to the Irish. Not possible. No such thing."

            " _Excuse_ me? Can, too. Watch - on Saint Patrick's Day, everyone and their blooming _mother_ will decide that they're a Leprechaun."

            "Oh, but it's just fine if the Irish are playing in the World Cup?" Peter teased.

            Remus sighed. "That's _different_. _That_ is team pride. And I am in full support. The Leprechaun is like the teams mascot."

            "Isn't that what you would consider racist, though?" James asked.

            "What? No! Because the team is actually Irish. And...Oh, sod it. You're distracting me from my potatoes."

            Sirius laughed at him."We're _joking_ , Moony. Go on, enjoy your little Irish dumplings."

            They watched Remus load his plate to the edges, plow through it at a ravenous speed, and go for more. On any other day, the generally docile Remus would have been the least likely to be accused of lycanthropy, but the way he devoured his plate of food would have been enough to convince anyone.

            "I think that if we weren't here, and Moony could choose any other profession, he'd be entirely content being a potato farmer," Peter laughed, who was making short work of his own potatoes, but not nearly as quickly as Remus, who had just started on a third plate, filled up with perogies. 

            "You know, I would do exactly that," Remus said. "And open a restaurant. In fact, I might just do it anyway. Not enough people appreciate the magic that is contained in the jacket of a potato."

            "How many ways can you _possibly_ prepare a potato to make a whole restaurant centered around them?" Sirius asked.

            "Oh, you should _not_ have asked that," Peter said, who clearly already had a good idea of what the answer was.

            Remus took a deep breath before starting. "You can bake them, broil them, there's scallop potatoes, jacket potatoes, potatoes with cheese and chives, you can dice and caramelize them..."

            "Look what you've done," James scowled at Sirius, doing his best to tune out the list while enjoying a lunch that consisted of everything _except_ potatoes. "You're in charge of shutting him up."

\---

            "And there's potatoes au gratin, and steamed potatoes with rosemary, and potato leek soup...," Remus continued in History of Magic.

            "It's been four hours," Peter mumbled to no one in particular, staring down at his desk.

            " _Okay, we get it!"_ James shouted. Professor Binns continued as though he heard nothing - and he probably hadn't. " _We get that you want to shag a potato! Just shut it about that disgusting root already!_ "

            The boys all turned their heads to James. Regardless of what he had said, he very rarely lost it like that with any of them.

            "Did...I'm sorry, did you just call it a _disgusting_ _root_?"

            "It is. It is a disgusting root. I hate potatoes. I hate all of the potatoes in the whole world, and I don't care how they're prepared."

            "James, you have cut me to the very core," Remus said, refusing to use the name Prongs. "I...I have to think about what you've just said."

            "God damn," James muttered, admitting to himself that he _may_ have overreacted. Though, in his own defense, he considered Remus's opinion on potatoes was an overreaction. Sirius gave Remus some consoling pats on the back. James could have stabbed him and it likely would have stung less.

            "Padfoot?" Remus said.

            "Yes, Moony?"

            "Please inform Mr. Potter that I will no longer be speaking to him."

            "Prongs, mate, I'm sorry, but Moony's no longer speaking to you. I tried to talk some sense into him, but alas, it did not work."

            James mumbled something that sounded roughly like " _bloody tossers,_ " ran his hands through his hair, and slumped down into his seat.

\---

            " _Moony!_ " James shouted, barging into the dormitory that night.

            "May I help you, potato hater?" he asked, not bothering to look up from his book.

            "Evans just turned me down again!"

            "And this concerns me why?"       

            "It's all your fault! You told her I don't like potatoes!"

            Remus set his book down finally. "Well, Potter, that seems like _your_ problem, not mine. If it were up to me, you would worship with world's most precious root. Even Mandrake, which helped you lot become as furry as me, is second to the potato. So really, it's not my fault at all. All you have to blame is your taste buds."

            "It's your fault because you told her! Why did you tell her? Why does she _care_?"

            Remus rubbed his temples. "She's Irish, Potter. You ever notice? Red hair? Evans? No? Well, she is, if you didn't realize. And us Irish stand in solidarity. It's basically our policy to discuss potato haters so we can be cautious. And hate of the potato is kind of a deal breaker, mate. Sorry. You and Lily just weren't meant to be. The Irish put religion before anything, and our god is the potato."

            "That's racist."

            "I thought you said there was no such thing as racism towards the Irish."   

            "Well, there is now that Evans is Irish."  

            "She was always Irish," Remus clarified, but James ignored him.

            "Look, it was a minor setback. Can you just tell her that I didn't _know_ she was Irish and that it was all a mistake and that I actually adore potatoes? It was all a misunderstanding."

            "Sure, I'll tell her. And she'll think you're even more of an idiot for not realizing her blaringly obvious ethnicity. Sure. I'll tell her all you want. In the meantime, I suggest you start with some fingerlings and build your way up from there."

            "I hate you." 

            "That's alright, as long as you never disrespect my religion again."


End file.
